They say that when I was born I was different. They say I had a knack for entertaining. They weren’t wrong. I loved to perform for people. The applause and the attention were magical to me. It was a high that I never wanted to come down from. My most cherished memory of performing as a child came in the 6th grade. It was a tap dance performance and I nailed it. The ovation was invigorating, and while I much preferred music, I knew that whatever was going to happen that I wanted to perform for the rest of my life.
I first began singing when I was just four years old. My grandfather taught me to sing duets with him. I mention this because it provided the foundation up which I would grow later on. He was a performer and so was I. I was born for it and I can’t remember ever wanting to do anything else. I wanted to travel the world performing for everyone. All eyes are on me. Performing felt magical. It felt like I could be whoever I wanted to be. Still, performing wasn’t the only thing that I was born for. It wasn’t until later when I met a man named Finn that I became sure of exactly who I was.
When I was a teenager, I made the proverbial crossover from childhood to womanhood. I’ll admit that I wish men had to go through what we do. Most men don’t fully understand what it means to be a woman and the sacrifices that we have to make. Our bodies are not repositories for men’s affections. We are individuals. More on that later. The point is that once I began receiving my once-a-month friend, things inside of me began to change.
I don’t mean that things began to change in a normal sense. Of course, I was into boys and exploring my body. I got a little bit moody and emotional. What I mean is that they changed in a different sense altogether. I think I was 15 the first time that realized that I was gifted. I was in the bathroom at Menlo Atherton High. It was “that time of the month and I was in the stall doing my thing. A heard the creaking of another student walking in the bathroom. It wasn’t abnormal. She didn’t head to a stall. Rather, she stood by the sink.
The girl didn’t notice I was there, as she began to put on her makeup. Honestly, I didn’t even know who she was or what she looked like a first. All I knew was that her energy was off. I couldn’t see her. I could feel her, though. I could feel her emotion well up inside of me as if it were my own. Then I connected with her.
All of a sudden, like a burst of light, I could see what she was thinking in her mind. It was very graphic, to say the least. I saw an adult man, maybe at the age of 40. I saw a girl slightly older than myself. I saw the girl’s mother. She was a drunk and an alcoholic. I saw pill bottles and beer cans on a table. They were having a party. Everything would have been except for the drugs and one other small fact. There were children in the house.
I saw a girl about the age of 17. She was hiding in her bedroom scared and afraid. Outside of her sanctuary, the party raged on, but inside she felt alone and abandoned. I could feel them inside of me as if they were my own emotions. I saw the mom passed out on the sofa. I saw the man again. Then, from outside her room, there came footsteps.
They thunked down the hallway as the girl grew anxious and fearful. Her heart began to beat, as mine did in real life. She began to sob because she knew what was coming next. There came a rustling of her doorknob. She brought her knees up to her chest and began to cry.
“Open the door, girl. I know you’re in there.” the man demanded in a deep, gruff voice.
“Go away. Leave me alone.” she sobbed, as the man came bursting forth. He somehow figured out how to unlock the handle of the door. They don’t make them that secure.
“What did I tell you about locking your door, huh? Is daddy going to have to teach you a lesson?” He asked.
“No, please. I’m sorry. I won’t happen again.” she pleaded.
“I’ll forgive you this time,” the man went on, “But daddy needs a little favor. It can be our secret.” As he got close to the girl I could smell the booze on his breath. He reached down to touch the girl’s leg and she winced because she knew what was coming next.
Suddenly, I was jolted back into reality. I was sitting on the toilet and I found that I had tears rolling down my face. I quickly finished and opened the door to the stall. There standing at the sink was the same girl that I had seen in my vision. She was pretty with a dark complexion, brown eyes, and soft features. She wore a cheerleading outfit and she was putting on concealer to cover up a bruise on her eye. For a split second, I was taken back to the bedroom, where a struggle ensued. The man lifted his hand and brought it down on her face. The impact threw the girl violently to the bed. I was once again jolted back into reality.
The girl was startled because she hadn’t realized that I was in the bathroom. Immediately, she realized it was clear what she was doing. She dropped her compact into the sink.
“Y-you scared me,” she said with a half-smile.
“You know, it doesn’t have to be this way,” I said taking her hands and looking into her eyes.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, sorry,” I replied. “I saw what he did to you. It doesn’t have to be that way.”
“What are you talking about, freak? Get away from me!” she retorted, gathering up her belongings, shoving them in her purse, and heading out the door.
It’s always been that way for me. That’s not the only thing either. Not long after that, I realized that I could move things with my mind. Sometimes I could even get people to do things I wanted them to do if I concentrated hard enough. Sometimes the things that I would say came true. One time I was taking a test in school. It was a math test and I didn’t care too much for math. I was always more of an art student myself. I muttered t myself, “now would be the perfect time for one of those stupid fire drills.”
I’ll be damned if right then and there the fire alarm system didn’t start sounding off. These things are usually preplanned to the point that some of the teachers even told us at the beginning of our period that it was going to occur. Not this time. Everyone, even the principal, seemed like she was in a frenzy. Good thing we were in California and it didn’t get cold. We were outside fo\r hours. Later they would blame it on faulty wiring. Needless to say, I didn’t have to finish that math test. Instead, somebody grabbed their guitar out of their car and we had a make-shift jam session.
The point is, my body changed in ways that didn’t make sense to me. I didn’t talk about it, because who really would have believed me if I had? Before Finn nothing made sense, but after him, everything made perfect sense. I’ve never had a love like that. I never had a love that was freeing, yet debilitating in my life. Trust me, I’ve had a lot of lovers. I’ve had flings that I wished never happened. I had relationships that ended in heartbreak. There is nobody like Finn. Not a soul on this earth.
When I was done with high school, I found myself studying at San Jose State University. This isn’t where I met Lindsay. He and I had also graduated from the same high school. I met him there. It wasn’t until college that things got serious between the two of us. In high school, Lindsay had a band, Fritz. It was a psychedelic rock band, something like Jimi Hendrix. When his bandmates went off to college he asked me to become the lead singer. Why not, right? What did I have to lose?
Fritz became more popular than either one of us could have imagined. We opened for Janis Joplin, Hendrix, and a few other acts. It was where I kind of got my tastes from. Seeing Janis on stage was chilling. Her presence was very large. That’s the only way I can describe it. She inspired me. Lindsay inspired me. With our recent success, I felt like could do anything. So, with my father’s blessing, I dropped out of college. Fritz had disbanded shortly after and Lindsay and I embarked upon a new journey, Buckingham-Nicks.
Lindsay was something else. He was a doll. He was characteristically groovy for the times. Every girl wanted him, but he chose me. I think that’s why I became romantically involved with him. He seemed organic and authentic at first. Little did I know how controlling and abusive he actually could be. Our first commercial venture together was an utter failure. If it weren’t for the fact that I posed naked from the waist up, nobody would have even known our names.
I didn’t even want to do if I’m being honest. I wanted nothing to do with it. I knew my father would be ashamed. But Lyndsay? He threw a fit. He blasted me up one side and down the other. He told me I was being childish and stupid. He said it was art and that I was going to do it and like it. I was extremely uncomfortable with it, but I went along with it for Lyndsay. At the time I was timid and thought maybe he was right. It’s no worse than what goes on today, but it was the first time something like that had been done. It sent shockwaves across the country and throughout the world.
Soon, I was better known as the naked girl than the girl who could sing well. The album was ill-received. We were struggling. We lived outside of San Franciso at the time. I remember Lyndsay always thought he was this god among musicians. I struggled, working waitressing jobs and any job I could get. I supported Lyndsay while he was on this musical, spiritual journey. He would turn down $500 gigs at steakhouses and clubs because they weren’t good enough for him. It was better than the tips I was bringing home, though.
It was during this time that I realized that I wasn’t as in love with Lyndsay as I thought I might have been. It was also during that time that I met Finn. He came into a restaurant that I was working at. Honestly, I can’t even remember the name of the place. You’d think that I’d be able to, but it seemingly slips my mind. The night that he came into the restaurant was like any other night. Finn and this old man came in and had a seat. I don’t remember too much about the old man, but Finn was full of life and energy. I could feel it within me.
When he walked in the door, the whole place became ablaze with youthfulness and passion. He looked a little young, but he was still handsome. He was a little bit rough around the edges, but who was I turn down a “bad boy”? That’s the way I like them. I tried desperately to get a read on him. That night I didn’t know anything about what Finn was or where he had come from. What I knew for certain was that his presence was contagious. I knew that he thought I was cute, as well. That wasn’t psychic or anything. That part was just being a woman. Okay, maybe it was a little tiny bit psychic.
The major stuff, I couldn’t crack, though, like I could with other people By this time, I had been able to get somewhat of a hold on my gift. I still didn’t fully understand it. Sometimes it was clearer and made more sense than other times. It was something that lived inside of me, an animal I couldn’t tame. Yet, still, there were parts of it that I could control. Finn’s energy brought it out in me. Still, I couldn’t penetrate his mind. It was as if there was this brick wall. I don’t know if he knew that I was trying to read him and he was doing it intentionally. He says not, but who knows.
When Finn looked up at me for the first time with his sheepish little boy smile he instantly melted my heart. Maybe he was intentionally trying to lure me to him. I don’t know. I don’t even care. He has been one of the most positive things about my life. Our very weird relationship has also been one of the most painful; not because he has hurt me. He could never. It was simply due to the nature of his being, our relationship, and what it all meant. It also didn’t help that Lyndsay had a hold on me. He was my ticket to stardom. Or, at least I thought he was at the time.
More about that later. I’ll never forget our first time together, me and Finn. It was magical. We were magical. We fit together like two peas in a pod. It was the night when Finn helped me realize who I was. I gave him a place to meet me. It was a road by a patch of woods that I loved. When I first saw him standing there in the silvery moonlight I got butterflies in my stomach. He was different. He didn’t look through me like other men did. It was almost as though he had come from a different time. Little did I know at the time he did. He was a gentle soul, but he was also quite rigid. He stood nearly six feet tall. He had dark hair and his clothes clung to his muscles. He was pleasing to the eye. Call me what you want, but I remember thinking that if I had my way, those clothes wouldn’t be on by the end of the night.
I moved closer to him and before I knew what was happening we were locked in each other’s arms. Honestly, I don’t remember how everything happened that night. Finn is the one with a photographic memory. He can remember words that were spoken from over 100 years ago. I can barely remember what I had for breakfast this morning. What I do remember is that we were gazing up at the moon. I remember wondering to myself if Lindsay was looking at the same moon that I was. I felt a pang of guilt rush through my body, but looking at Finn in the moonlight made it better. He pacified me. He made me feel better. The way he looked at me made me feel like I deserved to be loved.
As I said, I can’t remember all the ins and outs of our first sexual experience. I remember that the touch of fingertips was electrifying. I remember that he filled every single part of me the way a man should. His girth inside of me felt like it was meant to be there. After all these years he had finally found the one woman– that’s me– that he belonged with. We came together like two ends of a magnet. It was magical the way that our bodies perfectly conformed to each other. The pleasure sent shockwaves orgasmic energy through my body and I orgasmed over and over again. That was the first time that’s ever happened to me.
What I remember the most is the final orgasm that we had. It was when he was also ready to finish. It was like the finale of a fireworks display. His body was trembling with delight and each thrust engulfed me with indescribable pleasure. It was like the perfect ballet. As we danced together I could feel the inside of my body erupt. I began shaking violently as the pleasurable sensations almost became too much to tolerate. I closed my eyes and dug my fingernails into his back. He winced a tiny bit but seemed to enjoy it. The noises that were coming out of my mouth were animalistic as he slid his plump, full love stick in and out.
Then, I felt him release into my depths. A feeling like a static shock radiated throughout my entire body. For a second, everything went black. Then, I could see a girl running through the woods. She couldn’t have been older than 16. There was blood trickling down the side of her face. She wore a wreath of flowers in her hair and a long flowing dress. It was white but was now full of mud stains and bloodstains. There was something wrong with her leg. As she ran she was limping. She had a deep sense of urgency about her. I tried to get a better look at her face, but all I could see was the side profile.
I could hear somebody– actually more than one person– chasing her in the distance. There were people with blazing torches. One had a musket. Another had a length of rope. I could hear them yelling things like heretic and witch at her. It was then that what was going on made perfect sense. This was a witch hunt. The girl was running from people who were going to kill her.
The girl reached a stream and I thought for certain it was going to be her demise. To my shock, she hovered in the air and crossed the creek bed in a perfect gliding motion. It was then that I realized that she was the real deal. Her pursuers didn’t fair nearly as well as she did in crossing the creek. Some of them remained. Others continued the chase. The voices and screams began to grow fainter and fainter as the girl put more distance between herself and those who wished to kill her. Her struggle to breathe became less and less. She stopped to hide behind a large tree. She knelt to catch her breath. By this point, I could no longer hear any other voices.
The girl looked up and in a flash of horror realized that somehow had been silently following her, waiting for her to make a wrong move. He wore a crucifix around his neck and the girl wondered to herself why people couldn’t understand that she wasn’t that kind of witch. She was a white witch and completely different than her Satanic counterparts. Nonetheless, it didn’t matter. “I’ve got the witch!” he called out as he caught her over the head with a shovel. The blow knocked her out.
When she came to she was bound with rope. She struggled to get free, but it was no use. She was also gagged. By this time she had been transported to the center of some town. I do not know which. It was somewhere in England. That was the accent the people were speaking with. As soon as she awoke villagers began spitting at her and cursing her. “Witch!” they yelled, and “Devil woman!” There was a stake in the center of the crown that had gathered. She began whimpering because she knew how this was going to end. She was picked up by either arm. The men began carrying her to the stake.
“No… no… please, no!” she frantically called out into the night, but there was nobody there to help. She couldn’t cast a spell on them because she was gagged. It was over for her. She was tied to the stake. A portly man, a reverend, stepped to the front of the crowd. He ungagged her and asked the witch if there was anything else she’d like to say for herself.
“Yes, there is one thing,” she replied. “When the moon shines full and the clock strikes three. You will suffer the burden you’ve dealt unto me.” With that, she spat into the dirt. “So mote it be! So mote it be!”
Delirium has set it by this point. She began laughing wildling.
“Heresy! Heresy! Burn the witch!” shrieked the portly reverend. He grabbed the torch himself and lit the witch’s stake on fire. As she was engulfed by flames her wild laughter turned to shrieks of pain. The onlookers cheers and applauded. They broke out in choruses of “Praise God, burn the witch!” This is the first time that I was able to get a full glimpse at the witch’s face. As I stared out into the darkness a shock came over my body. I could not believe what I was seeing. The witch was me! As her eyes glazed over I gazed into them blankly. What did all of this mean? I began to feel a calm come over my body. I lost consciousness. When I came too, I was once again in Finn’s arms.
Mine and Finn’s relationship began to blossom. Like any relationship, we had our moments. We nearly broke up when I told him about Lindsay, but I felt like there was nothing we couldn’t work through. We were practically made for each other. The only difference was he was immortal and didn’t age. We experimented frequently with the sex stuff. Each time we would leave our bodies we’d have these experiences where we’d travel back in time to the lives that we lived before our current ones. Well, as far as Finn knew, he was the only one that was having them. He was also able to experience mine, somehow. I don’t know why I hid the fact that I had visions from him. It’s not like he would have judged me. They felt personal, though. Until I figured out exactly what I was, I wanted to keep my experiences to myself. He would often give me reports of things he found out about me when leaving his body. He eventually was able to do this on his own. It only happened during sex for me. We had lots of sex. It was amazing.
When I started getting sick, I didn’t think much of it. At first, I thought maybe it was just the flu. It must have been a seasonal flu. However, it became more and more frequent. I schedule an appointment with the doctor to see what was going on. You can imagine how gutted I was when he informed me that I was pregnant. I immediately knew that it was Finn’s child. But how? He was a vampire.
I walked into his apartment after finding out. I intended to remain calm, cool, and collected. As soon as I saw him that all went out the window. I looked him in his eyes. The panic and anxiety of the unknown overtook my mind. I began to shake, wondering what was going to happen to me. I wasn’t ready for a child– especially not a vampire child. How? I didn’t think it was possible. I reached a point where I thought I was going to break.
“Are you alright?” Finn asked.
I searched for words to say, but the only thing I could think to do was belt out the words, “Finn… I’m pregnant.”
“What? With a child?” he asked.
“What other kind of pregnant is there?” I retorted.
“With my child?” he asked.
“ Yes, Finn. Your child.” I responded. “YOu didn’t tell me you were able to… you know… make babies.”
“Well I didn’t know,” he responded with a smile from ear to ear. “This is great… this is wonderful!”
“Finn… No! This is not wonderful. This is the furthest things from wonderful.” I responded.
“But I love you and love me and it will be okay…” Finn trailed off. Right?”
“No, Finn. This will not be alright. I’m not ready for a child. I don’t even know if I can carry your child. You’re technically not even a human. There could be so many repercussions to this. It’s dangerous.” I answered.
“But we’ll get through… together… we’ll do this.” He assured. He reached closer and brushed the hair out of my face as I began to cry.
“Don’t, Finn. Don’t do that. I think… I think I need a break. “ I sobbed.
“A break? From me?” he replied.
“From you… from all of this… I just don’t know what’s going on with me.” I replied.
I got up from where I had been seated. I was crying so violently I couldn’t even see the road. I knew that I wanted a child. I knew that I wanted to be a mother, but how was I going to care for a child? I was on the brink of stardom. I wasn’t ready for a child… especially not one from an immortal being. I drove myself to Los Angeles that day and did something that I am not proud of. I’m not going to go into great detail, because it pains me to remember it, but I “took care” of the baby problem. I remember on my drive home thinking that if I would have had a child, I would have called her Sara. This was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I would never feel my child inside of me. I’d never heard her first cry. I’d never hold her. It was all too much for me to take in. I drove silently the whole way home.